So you all know that my whiny ass is overwhelmed right now, right? I just have so many things hanging over my head that I need to do/should be doing and I’m feeling a teeny, tiny bit stressed right now. Throw in a small side dish of guilt (over not doing what I need to do/should be doing) and a heaping bowl of grief/worry and basically you have one (deep) fried Q.
The Hubs’ brother (the second youngest of 4 siblings, the Hubs is the youngest) passed away suddenly from a massive heart attack on Thursday. He was out inspecting his hay balers (is that what they’re called?) and he died instantly from the attack. The paramedics & Drs. worked on him for over an hour to no avail.
Watching the Hubs breakdown over the unexpected loss of his Brother just.about.killed.me. The Hubs is, how should I put this….um…the most non-emotional person I’ve ever met. That’s good (no drama, rarely gets angry, very laid back) and bad (not affectionate; emotionally or physically, doesn’t express himself; physically or verbally) and up until last Thursday I thought that I’d like to see more emotion from him. I was wrong. Holding him while he cried (granted, he “sucked it up” and stopped after 3.8 seconds) was the most heart wrenching thing I’ve done. I don’t ever want to see him hurt like that again.
We’re moving past the surprise aspect of the whole situation, but I’m left with a big ole platter o’ worry. His brother had not been diagnosed with any heart problems, but their Dad suffered 5 heart attacks before he passed away, the oldest brother has a stent and their sister (the oldest) had surgery to unclog arteries around her heart. Hello? Heartdiseaserunsinthefamily, say what?
It’s no secret that the Hubs is overweight and does not get nearly enough (any) exercise whatsoever. Hmm, this sounds like a recipe for disaster, wouldn’t you say?
I think I’ve finally succeeded in “worrying myself sick” at this point. Between the stress of the job (finances, or lack there of), the guilt of everything I’m ignoring because I’m too stressed out to care and now this, my body & mind finally said “Fuck you!” and shut down.
I wish I could say that what I’m about to admit is an exaggeration, but sadly it is not.
I, The Q, did not get out of my jammies until 11:20 p.m. (No, not a typo…p.m., not a.m.) yesterday.
I didn’t shower until 11:30 p.m. (you know a mere 30 minutes before the day changed to Monday!?)
I didn’t get out of my recliner more than 4 times the entire day.
I didn’t go on my standard (good for the mind & body) hike with the dog yesterday (Talk about guilt! I wished the Dog had bitten and tore my throat out; I felt so bad for denying him his 3+ hours of outdoor sniffing, peeing and sunshine).
I didn’t do any laundry or MUCH needed housecleaning.
I didn’t prep our lunches for the week (I have no idea if we even have anything here at work that we can eat besides a can of beans and some stale bread).
I didn’t feed the Dog his dinner. 99% of the time, I feed the Dog. Yesterday, the Hubs asked if I had fed him and I hadn’t. I didn’t even realize it was that late in the day. (I did take care of the cats though, but that doesn’t negate the guilt I feel about the Dog in the least)
I didn’t eat anything other than grapes yesterday (thankfully the Hubs bbq’d something for himself, but don’t you think that I don’t feel guilty about that too, because I do!)
I’d like to say that I napped and caught up on my much needed sleep, but I didn’t. I just sat in the chair like a zombie and ached. Physically ached. My muscles felt painful to the touch and my head was throbbing.
TMI Alert
The weirdest thing is that I didn’t even go pee all day! I pee a lot because I drink a ton of water during the day, but not yesterday. It was literally like my entire body stopped functioning.
/TMI Alert
I have never, ever done anything like this before in my life. Other than being really sick and stuck in bed all day, I’ve never given up my only day off to do absolutely nothing.
The thought of suddenly losing the Hubs to something like a massive heart attack must have crippled me physically and emotionally. I guess heaped on top of everything else we’re going through, it kinda makes sense. Maybe? Oh hell if I know.
Yesterday was the weirdest day and it almost felt like I was watching it from some other person’s perspective. I wasn’t myself, that much I can say.
On the upside: There will be changes made ’round these parts. I need to get back to a healthy state of mind and I plan on dragging the Hubs with me. I can’t physically force a man who outweighs me by 100 lbs to walk with us, but I do control most of what he eats (because I do the shopping and cooking, not because I have a padlock on the fridge) and that’s where I’m going to start making some changes.
I just hope the Hubs has the desire to want to change things too, I can’t do it all myself.
